Life goes on with its own pace, nothing too great has happened between the sprouts of insanity I have written here. Still some uncertaintity in the air, about various things including difficulties with my budjet and with my quite non-existant life... Nothing too overwhelming, so quess I'll survive as always.

I've had quite big urge to train at the gym for some time now. Main reason why I just speak instead of doing it, is that I fear it will become an obsession for me again. I managed to drop a vast amount of mass off me in a very short period last spring, and ever since my training has been somewhat non-existant. I'm in good shape at the moment, I have quite low fat-percentage and I look nice and slim for what it comes to bodystructure, but that's not enough. Or well, that's what I think. Considering my height, I weight far too less. I have decent base for muscles, and it would be easy to train myself up a little bit, but honestly I fear a bit. Last time I trained, it formed an obsession in me, nothing was enough for me, no matter how hard or how much I trained. Last spring, training was the only thing for me that could take my thoughts out and give me some rest; it was something I liked really much, which gave me satisfaction and made me feel better. But things tend to go wrong, if you let them take control of you... Quess I could start training a little bit, at the gym downstairs...

Besides my current urge to lift some weights, I've developed a weird habit of listening some old hits from my past. I started off with some death metal, which I used to listen around 3 years ago. Now I've gone back in time a little more, and listen to Juno Reactor (psychedelic trance or some such). Damn, it must have been around 7 years since I last listened to this kind of music. Also old nostalgic hits from Wumpscut and Funker Vogt have been in my playlist for some time now. I don't really enjoy this kind of music anymore, it's more like remembering past events or situtations through music, but I got to admit that some of these songs are still quite decent. Old stuff never fails you, huh? Silly...

Better cut my senseless ramblings here again. I'm tired, hungry and quite honestly, feeling very weird. Haven't slept well last night, only around 2 hours. Urgh...

Uncertaintity is one thing I truly hate. Sure we all feel insecure in the vicinity of things or situations, where we do not feel like we are in control of our surroundings or emotions, but this is a bit too much. Sigh...

I've managed to raise myself above the very thing that almost destroyed me, and I stand in control of the most dreadful thing I've ever encountered. But there is still much to learn. To learn how to shape the river that flows inside, to show the Way... Too powerful yet, but it can be done... But is my way of controlling wrong? The source is strong beyond any imagination, truly a fearful thing. So perhaps... I should try a new way, a symbiosis?


For all I know, the wire has loosened a bit, and I'm free to breathe more freely again. I'm moving forward, with new strenght in me.

Why do I find beauty in difficulty, impossibility? Sometimes when you look back at your life, think about the things you've done or endured or seen, one might notice a small pattern of shame. The pattern is full of shapes and different tones of color, making it look like a vision of madness. But when you look close enough, you can see the wonderful perfection in it's own way...

Honestly, I really need to get some sleep. Or atleast try to...

But things keep bugging me. Normally these kind of "things" wouldn't annoy me, but this time they really do their worst against me. As I wrote down in my last entry, I felt a bit depressed. It's really difficult to cut out the reason for my feeling, as I don't really know the whole reason. I have certain doubts about what it might be, but it's not enough. I got to know for sure...

The most annoying thing now is the fact that I feel really insecure. First when I saw it, I couldn't create a proper method to deal with it. Now I've seen it few more times, and it starts to take a shape. Still I'm left out cold when it comes to dealing with it... I don't want to believe, I don't want to know. For some part it's solely my own fault, but it was too obvious and far too visible after taking shape, to not to notice and after that, to know. Inside it was something different, the shape was only a lie to cover up the truth.

Today, I washed my hands with blood.

Ahh well... As I said, I can't be sure.



I just wish that I've made a mistake. A big, big mistake.

 

I'm writing again late at night, it's 2:39am. I'm listening to one special song, which kind of describes my way of living. Some of you, dear readers, know this certain song, which I happen to like very much because of the lyrics. The genre of this song isn't really into my liking, but the compined power of the lyrics and nice melody work wonders. Hits the spot, so to speak.

So what am I doing up late at night again? Nothing special to be honest... I'm quite penniless at the moment, so I couldn't join my friends when they hit the bar tonight. They were kind enough to accompany me a little while though, so I woulnd't be so lonely. Just so boring that I seldomly see them any other time than weekends, that I couldn't join em' this time. On top of that, my sister called me a little before 12pm, asking if I was in town so we could see for a moment. Aargh, of all the times, I decided to stay at home this saturday! Tuff' luck...

So I sit at home, listen to music (as always) and decide to update this blog a bit. There has been some thoughts wandering inside my rattlecage, a bit depressed ones I have to admit... I have kept wondering a bit about my situation, status and meaning in social life, such as friends and family. At the very moment, I have a handfull of nice friends, nothing special but nothing to diss about. I have a loving family, which is very dear to me, especially my two younger sisters. For an outsider, things look pretty good for me, many keep me as a nice guy and as a good friend...

But what about me? Inside this Hell some call life, I find myself quite lonely. I don't mind being alone even for longer periods of time, but honestly when one notices that there aren't really anyone to call, anyone to see, anyone to speak to... It's really one-sided. Sure the small amount of friends I have like to help me in some ways, but I kind of miss something... Perhaps it's just a small whisper of Horror, but I find my existence to be completely meaningless. Those small things I appreciate, have eluded my grasp, and to think about it makes me a bit sad...

Oh well, things tend to go the way you make em'. Nobody to blame but myself, and it is in my hands to change things for better or worse. Hopefully for the better, I'd rather evade the worse parts of life at the moment.

Like we all.

Blend in, blend out,
Caught in my own Hell,
I saw the lie.